| Date: | 2007-07-12 11:54 |
| Subject: | HOLY CRAP!!!! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  creative |
Wow, I woke up so jazzed this morning! I didn't get to sleep last night until @2am 'cause I am so excited about my next creative project, or rather, my ULTIMATE-SUPER-MEGA-DYNO-KAIJU-CRAZY-EPIC creative project!!! I am not going to give too many details because I don't want to spoil anything or waste my enthusiasm! THIS IS SOOOOOooOOOOOoOooO GOING TO FARKING ROCK!!! Just wait and see....;D
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I was so angry, so ready to vent the frustration of pissing away five hard-earned bucks to watch a movie I figured would suck anyway-- but, I didn't expect the painful, ass-raping I got when I'd finished the harrowing journey that was the steaming pile of corn-nut-encrusted-fecal-flop-patty called "The Breed".
Let me start by saying that when it comes to contemporary Hollywood horror films, I've got pretty low expectations but HOLY FLAMING BABY JESUS, can't even a horror film legend like Wes Craven get it right anymore!?! I will admit that I was very pleasantly surprised by "The Feast", but everything that's had Craven's name attached to it since has made me angrier and angrier. I shouldn't get this worked-up about something so trivial but I've been spending more time at home due to alot of financial responsibilities, and therefore, blowing money on renting movies. I got pretty desperate when I rented "The Breed", and Wes didn't disappoint in that regard. After finishing that film, I really felt that my money was well-wasted-- not to mention the hour and a half of my life.
I'm not going to go into the details of why the movie was so bad because it would take up way too much time and I don't think a thesaurus and dictionary could quite give me all the words I could use to describe that screaming-bleeding-anal-fissuring-colon-blowing-diarrhea-fest put to film. The one good thing I could find was that Michelle Rodriguez looked pretty hot but, of course, she wasn't bikini-clad long enough to distract from all the other mind-numbing suck.
Wes, you're officially on the list, my list...fuck-wit.
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After years of being taunted by Adult Swim's parody-beatings of some of my favorite cartoon characters, Hannah-Barbera is releasing TWO DVD sets of Space Ghost & Dino Boy and Birdman & Galaxy Trio! These were the shows that I loved when I was a kid. I didn't so much get into comics as watch these cartoons religiously as a boy, even owning Blue Falcon writing pad that I first learned to draw on.
The thing that I'm most excited about though is that each DVD has a feature-length documentary on the late-SUPER GREAT, Alex Toth! And, just imagine the possibilties of what sets will come next, perhaps Thundarr the Barbarian and The Herculoids!!! FUCKIN' YEAH, BABY!!!
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| Date: | 2007-07-05 10:24 |
| Subject: | Grrr... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  angry |
Dear Universe,
I hate this shit, and by this shit I mean, I HATE being alone right now! I hate that I need some kind of attention so badly. I'm just a shade away from giving up and falling back into that imaginary world I made for myself when I was a kid. I hate how hard and cruel this world is sometimes, unintentionally-chaotically cruel. I've gotten sick of people telling me everything's going to be alright, when I know that it will-- EVENTUALLY! I'm not interested in eventually right now, I'm ready for right now. Sick of waiting for something to happen to make my life more fun, more enjoyable. I don't need alot, just something to give me some hope and push me through this rough patch of my life-- a little something extra to help me live in this world and dabble in the imaginary when I need to, give me something to come back home to instead of locking myself in there and getting lost. Ultimately, I'm sick of feeling this way...I hate needing people, and I hate being "emo".
Right now, I feel like the angriest music you've ever heard turned into a chainsaw orchestra and sung in a lunatic opera...
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Well, the art show went off. Had some problems but overall it was okay. I really appreciate my friends and family coming out to show their support, everyone helped me get through what really became a difficult experience for me.
The comic convention was the same as every Sunday show, but I did get to hang out with my buds and joke around. That made it worth it.
Now, I have to buckle down and finish a story that's being published in an upcoming anthology, as well as work on a story for the impending Stumblebum anthology. That one's gonna be awesome and I can't wait to get to work on those pages! All I can say is FUN!
Anyway, that's it. Going to my lonely cave and dream I'm Power Girl's bra.
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| Date: | 2007-06-22 11:20 |
| Subject: | Hope... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  determined |
Right now, I'm hoping things get better as the year moves on. Swimming in debt, and MANY other more important issues have motivated me more lately to take myself seriously as an artist-- to build a career, a life I can live with and enjoy. It all boils down to hating my life right now, the situations I've put myself into. Despite having some great friends and a loving family, I still feel alone and isolated-- longing for so much more than I have when I turn out the lights every night. I have no one to blame but myself for that. I have given into my fears and self-doubt for too long and it has almost crippled me at this point. It's time to REALLY change that and not just say the words...
So, this is what it's coming to. I'm fixing what I can and trying to stop the bleeding as quickly as possible. I'm tired of being poor and worrying about spending twenty bucks on a new DVD, or going out with my friends. I'm tired of waking up every day to someone else's schedule and living by their rules, just so I can be underpaid and unappreciated for what has always come naturally to me. I'm tired of emotionally-battering myself to sleep each night only to wake up alone each morning. Things will change now, perhaps even some of those things will stick-- perhaps, god-willing, things will get better before they get worse.
The only thing I feel I've ever really believed in, whether "spiritually"-speaking or whatever you want to call it, is that life is a cycle-- everything in the entire universe, in this world, is on a cycle. That cycle brings the good and the bad with it to every life. We have to choose which of those two things we will see more than the other because life is also about balance-- and both good and bad will come in equal measure. The good must be seen in the smallest acts, tiniest things, be cherished and nurtured to grow so that it can overshadow the poisonous darkness that can crawl into our lives, our souls to snuff out all of our hopes, our finest, noblest dreams. These are the words I want to ring in my ears through every day and whisper me to sleep through the darkest night-- these are the words I choose to hear to talk me away from that one drink too many, talk me down from that ledge and to put the knife back in the drawer. I choose to live a more fulfilling life, to be remembered as someone who cared too much to "go softly into that good night".
I just want things to change, to get better so that I can feel good about getting out of bed in the morning and now I feel like I'm finally, begrudgingly, doing something about it. I write these words to tell you all, those who care and know me best, that if I change and become some horrible, self-serving ego-maniac, I'm sorry. I just can't live like this anymore, I can't just be humble about the things I can do anymore because that quiet modesty has added up to a life that just isn't enough anymore-- I'm just too unhappy, too angry, lost and lonely. So, please, understand that I have to finally make things right, or else I'll never be able to be happy like my father was when the light went out of his eyes-- an amazing, simple life that touched so many. That is now the legacy I have to live up to.
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Okay, so Scott's no Evangeline Lily but I hear he gives great interview. Check out my public awkwardness and social anxiety at www.fanboy.tv or on iTunes. Monday, June 18th!!!
K
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I'm starting to feel my dad's absence again. I'm having a pretty hard time keeping it together with Father's Day coming up, although I did have his card for him when he was in the hospital.
I just kept having this horrible slide-show playing through my head last night, trying to shut it all out, trying to sleep. I kept seeing his face as he struggled to breathe, his hands just lying there, still.
I've done a pretty good job of pushing people away from me, the people who mean the most to me, stupidly thinking that I'll be fine-- that I can deal with all of this on my own, but I don't think I can. I miss my dad, I want so badly to just tell him how great a father he was and how lucky I've been having known him. And yes, I've talked to the dark, giving it my dad's face and voice but it's not him-- it's just darkness.
I don't know where I go from here, I really do feel lost, just wandering around. I miss Arykah, I miss home. I miss so many things, so many people.
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It recently occurred to me that it has been so long that I cannot remember the last time a woman was crazy about me. I do realize that sounds horribly selfish and narcissistic but that's what so much of this LiveJournal thing is about-- venting the vain dissatisfaction we carry inside of us.
I will admit that I have been trying very hard not to think too much about it, usually telling myself that those kinds of experiences are far behind me-- something for my naive, long-past youth. I did have a very fulfilling experience with someone not-so-long ago but it seems to have perhaps ended, or at least stalled for awhile. It was very sweet and will always be special to me, but I know that she wanted more-- or less-- than what I have to offer.
Anyway, I have been filling my time getting lost in my imagination-- even turning some of it into drawings or writing, but nothing too substantial as it's far more satisfying to just keep it locked away in my head. I have even found my dreams have become more child-like and fun, and I am just happy that they have returned. For quite some time now, I haven't been dreaming or perhaps not recalling them. That is usually a bad sign for me, when I cannot recall my dreams, being so insignificant and dull. Although, I would enjoy having one of my infamous zombie dreams again, but I think I'm a bit too unstressed for that right now.
That's about it right now, just venting-- putting this thought out into the aether so that I don't have to keep it bottled-up anymore. Life will go on, that's the greatest thing about it all.
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| Date: | 2007-05-08 10:02 |
| Subject: | Updating... |
| Security: | Public |
I had a great time on Saturday, "Free Comic Book Day' for all of you non-comic fan-people. I enjoyed testing my sketching skills with some fun characters, and I actually did my first Wolverine that I've ever been proud of! That actually made most of my day better. I also got to hang out with Paul and AC so that made it even better.
I'm really changing alot of things about my life right now and feeling pretty good about the changes. I'm curbing my smoking so that I can just quit soon. I'm excited about some stories I'm working on right now and look forward to likely publishing them myself! The only snag right now is my personal life but I'm not going to sweat it because it doesn't matter nearly as much right now as the joy that being a moderately-successful artist can bring me.
Anyway, that's it for now. See ya in the funny-book store!
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| Date: | 2007-04-27 04:58 |
| Subject: | YEeeAH!!! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  ecstatic |
Well, I finally have my first OFFICIAL gallery show I'm participating in this Saturday and I'm VERY excited! For years, I've struggled with being an artist and especially a painter, with the impracticality of such a life, but this is one of those times I'm ignoring it all and just trying to be excited about what's ahead. I have only four paintings that I'm showing, and three are for sale, but I've moderately priced them and am hoping to turn the revenue around and create more for a show this summer.
Anyway, details...The show is at the Southside on Lamar community located at Belleview & Lamar in the Jeanette Kennedy Gallery, Saturday April 28th at 7pm. You can look up the "ArtLoveMagic" website at www.ArtLoveMagic.com and find all the details for tommorrow night's live art exhibition!
So, come on, guys! Show some love and come out for some great art and fun...although, I don't know if there'll be any magic. Maybe I'll pull a quarter out of your ear or something...BUY MY ART!!!!
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Yeah, so I'm in better spirits this week so far. I spent the weekend doing some light artwork and sketching while watching Ben 10 Season One. I'm loving what those guys at Man of Action are cranking out and can't wait to see the next Season on DVD. I'm even a little excited about the rumor of a live-action film directed by Bill of "Bill & Ted" fame!
Anyway, it motivated me to dig up some old characters I'd made when I was younger and tweak them a bit for more mass appeal. I'm trying to put together some short stories to introduce the characters and maybe crank out more if I feel inspired to keep going. The plan for now is to keep it simple and try to streamline my work, make it so I can actually start meeting some deadlines and not keep disappointing my friends and fans-- especially myself. This stuff may not make me famous or successful but I'll at least get it out of my system and have a little fun in the process.
Also, finished Season One of Prison Break this weekend and have to say I'll enjoy the break before the release of the next season-- it's just such a well-written, but frustrating show.
That's it for now...nothing too interesting...
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| Date: | 2007-04-07 08:31 |
| Subject: | This hurts... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | frustrated |
Recently, a friendship of mine started to dissolve, at least that's the feeling I get at this point. I'm not really sure how it happened but it's downward-spiralling to something that's bordering on mean and ugly. I don't know what I can do, and I especially don't know how to feel from one minute to the next. I get angry, then apathetic, then hopeful, lost, confused, angry again, etc...you get the point. I'm not really sure how to fix something that I didn't know was broken until it was too late.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is so fucked up. When people you care so much about, give so much of yourself to, grow to hate you and hurt you-- some even enjoying the pain they inflict. Why can we be so cruel to people we've at one time loved? Is it really a "defense mechanism" or just an excuse to be vindictive for the sake of vanity-- so you can be the one to say to all others in the future that YOU were the one who was stable, the other person was the crazy one, or the needy one, or just the asshole who started getting on your nerves and made you resent ever letting them into your life?
I've spent a good portion of my life trying to be a good person, whatever that is, but life has a way of hindering your ability to do that-- it forces you to turn ugly inside. But, I've known people who can wake up one day and be happy again, or just not care. For the most part, I'm neither of those people but I have tried my best to be a good person and a good friend to all of those people I've been lucky enough to have in my life, however they happened to get there.
Anyway, I don't know anymore, I don't know how to care about anyone anymore. I guess I'm just a little lost, and all of this emo-angsty bullshit is starting to wear thin on me, tire me out-- makes me hate myself for no reason at all, and it makes it hard to care about anything at all. I guess I just want to start caring again, but not feel like a fool for being the one who cares too much. As an exercise, let's all try to think of the good times we had with that person we once called our friend, once loved, and remember that that person was simply trying to do the best they could to be true to themselves, impress you enough for you to still laugh at their jokes and care about their thoughts, maybe even throw a little nookie their way-- but basically, was just trying to figure out how to live in this world and not end up alone with a growing hatred of everything good in it. I just want to stop being such an emo-asshole!
Five minutes from now, I'll probably be regretting posting this crazy nonsense but laughing my ass off.
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Been pretty bummed out lately and I'm pretty sure why, but I don't know how much I care. For the most part, I've been going home and just zoning out, occasionally drawing or rather, TRYING to draw but have just been so beat down.
E was in an accident last Saturday, so that was pretty scary, but she's alive.
I think I may get out of town soon, just to get away and put some things behind me.
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Yeah, so yesterday was my birthday. Paulie and I actually met each other at the Art Institute because we started talking about what we were going to do for our birthday. That was actually around 7 YEARS AGO-- HOLY CRAP!!!
I got some pretty cool gifts this year and couldn't be happier-- an awesome, new messenger bag from Erica; a sweet t-hirt from Lex, that reminds me of Jules Verne; and a fuzzy, black skull-bank from 'Nessa. Oh yeah, and Sunday night was crazy at the Church because the girls decided they wanted to celebrate my B-Day and I got crazy-mauled-lap-danced by three chicas at the same time!!! I was LAUGHING MY ASS OFF FOR 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!! IT WAS HILARIOUS-CUTE-SWEET!!! So, it's been pretty swell so far and I still get to look forward to this weekend at Staple! I'm already working on Paul's and Dana's respective B-Day gifts and I just hope they dig 'em.
Anyway, that's it. Pretty awesome birthday so far and hopefully the good times will carry on ALL YEAR!!!
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| Date: | 2007-02-21 17:01 |
| Subject: | Still going... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  blah |
Well, I'm still trying to keep moving on the Graphic Novel I'm working on but I keep getting distracted by other projects. I've got some tattoos designs I've got to finish for some friends, Erica's been waiting FOREVER, and I also have to re-do one of the gallery pages I did for the Angels book. It shouldn't take me long but it always beats me down having to re-do work.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the upcoming Staple small press con in Austin next weekend. It should be fun and I'm jazzed about bringing some new stuff to show off, probably bring some old sketchbooks too so I can unload them cheap. Every dime's got to go towards getting me to San Diego this year and so far I've got NADA to show for it. Time to switch back to the Ramen diet and save the change.;D
I'm also catching up on my movie watching lately and have been surprised by my reaction to some of them. First off, "Ghost Rider" sucked ass but I didn't expect much, somehow though I keep grinning every time I think of it. I think somehow I enjoyed that crap-fest but I keep telling myself it's just because it was the Ghost Rider. I also went to see "Pan's Labyrinth" with a friend and we both really enjoyed it. It was alot darker and horrifying than I'd imagined, but it might also be ownable. I've tried catching up on some DVDs and have managed to enjoy most of them-- Like "3 Extremes" which was awesome because ChanWook Park is AMAZING and "The Departed" which may be the first Martin Scorcese film I've ever liked all the way through.
Well, that's it, nothing too exciting but just felt like throwing some words up here for now...;D
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| Date: | 2007-02-14 12:38 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  anxious |
Started thumbnailing the first chapter of "201". I'm planning on having a good portion of it done around San Diego, but have a backup plan if it's not quite finished enough to my satisfaction. I don't want to rush through it, but to stay focused on it, I'm trying to get it done with some urgency. I've also always felt that if it ever did get published and popular enough that I'd be able to hire certain artists I'd always envisioned doing each chapter to create a "Director's Cut" version of the book.
I'm going to have to redraw a piece for the "Angels & Nightmares" book because I made it a little too "racy" originally. I'm actually cool with that since I had about a million other ideas for the set anyway.
Working on getting some merchandise up on Etsy.com. I created a cool, ink-stained tuxedo shirt that a friend convinced me I could sell to make money for San Diego. I'm also going to be creating other shirts and jeans, as well as some accessories and a few paintings. Gotta make that money so I can get to San Diego!!!!
Watched "Donnie Darko- The Director's Cut", which is the second time I've seen Darko, but I actually enjoyed it this time. I guess it shows how twisted my sense of humor has become since I first saw it and was completely underwhelmed.
I bought "Friends Season 7" on DVD and am mucho happy! Kind of a birthday present to myself!
I think I've become bored with most escapist entertainment out there and it's making me more productive as an artist. I want to see certain stories and images, but since no one's making them the way I want to see them then I've got to do it myself. That seems really narcissistic but it's got to be done if I'm going to get anywhere in life. I'm just trying to have fun along the way.;D
One of my favorite new words is "Kitsune". It's a Japanese fox spirit that's mischievious, but benevolent in most cases. It's just a neat word to say...Kitsune!
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Well, I finally finished those gallery book pages and am really excited to see them done. I kept the color scheme simple and am glad I did. They're definitely something I'll be framing and hanging on my walls to remind myself of what I can accomplish when I set my mind to it. I completed them in a fairly short amount of time, but they don't feel rushed to me. The hardest part was deciding to color them or not, and ultimately, I decided against too much color-- which I feel better about every time I look at them. Simple, stylish, and cool.
I will likely email some teaser-samples to Dana to post on the Stumblebumstudios.com "Sketch of the Week" just so I can show them off. I'm not sure when the book will be released but I can't wait to see the whole thing, especially James O'Barr's contribution.
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****SPOILER WARNING!!!!****
I just rented the DVD copy of Season 6's first four episodes and have to say that the events of the fourth episode left me kind of awe-struck. "24" has finally jumped the shark and waded into the shallower waters of pulp-like outlandishness. Strangely, I don't feel that's necessarily a bad thing for me personally. I've always enjoyed the old pulp-type adventures of Tarzan, the Phantom, and The Spider. So, I've grown more and more fond of seeing what the nigh-unstoppable, Uber-agent Jack Bauer will do next--even going so far as to purchase the ongoing "24: Declassified" books and reading assorted FanFics, although not the comics. I must draw the line somewhere. Well, this season "24" have reached beyond anything any 80's TV drama could ever aspire to and have made the show in my opinion ridiculously fun to watch.
It did hurt when Jack had to shoot, and possibly kill Curtis (one of my favorite characters), but I quickly got over it when I saw Jack just break down and look on in impotent horror as the LA skyline was lit up by a towering, nuclear mushroom cloud. That scene has now become my favorite "24" moment, even more than the infamous "I'm gonna need a hacksaw" scene from the first season.
Anyway, I have no cable and I won't be scrambling to watch it at a friends house, but I will definitely be buying the DVD set when it comes out because Jack Bauer has now become my favorite superhero, and there's nothing Ultimate Cap can do about it.
Although, I'd love to see him try. God, I'm such a nerd!
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Life has been moderately interesting as usual, but there isn't much to say about it without sounding like some whiney character from some 80's John Hughes movie.
I'm crunching to get some projects done before the end of the month and last night was a breakthrough-- I actually STARTED a page! That blank space was driving me nuts with what to put into it and then it just started pouring out. Then, I took a break from it and started some other sketches. All while trying to maintain a moderate buzz. I really didn't want to stop but I had to open today and it was crucial to my financial survival that I come into work on time, so I put the pens and pencils away again-- killing me inside.
I need to constantly remind myself of how important creating things can be for me. It's my lifeblood and I ignore it so often in favor of lesser distraction and the numbing bliss of anything other than what will ultimately end up in a pile on the floor, stashed in some notebook, or tacked to my walls. My whole life seems to have been the love/hate/search/avoidance of my artistic life with so many moments of joy and mediocrity filling the spaces in between. I think sometimes that I would be happiest as some idiot savant locked away in some quaint Mental asylum in a New England suburb, scrawling my artistic life across the padded, white walls of my cell-- filling every space with the virus of the noise in my head. God, that was so emo-gay.
Anyway, I'm creating again and that's all that matters about that.
Other than the joy/anger of my artistic life, I've found some personal joy as well. It's the kind of thing, the kind of person who reminds you that you can find someone without really looking and they can turn out to amaze and frustrate you back into enjoying life-- appreciating the the things you swore you'd never want again because of the scars you can still feel just beneath you skin. But I'm happy, happier than I have been in quite some time and that's kind of cool-- brought me a little frustration and a fair measure of bliss, and not the numb kind of bliss.
Well, that's about it for now. I don't know where certain parts of my life are going right now, but I know I can at least escape into my little fantasy world whenever I want to. I plan on doing that alot this weekend, come what may.
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nurokatt's journal
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